did you know they have Ed Hardy school supplies at Target? it's like folders and notebooks for little douchebags in training.
how do I set my phone to only ring when I'm asleep when sex is certain?
Literally passed out while tubing... Boating while hammered is a blast but thank God for life jackets
My life has only gotten better since they built a playground behind the bar
I find out next week of the Australian was lying about his vasectomy or not. Keep your fingers crossed!
He stopped replying so I told him I got tested and it came back positive for chlamydia to see if he replied. His phone magically works again!
His arresting officer when they were busting up the squat party recognized him from the anti-drone protest. He was like Jesus kid, you were sober last time.
I need vodka and champagne for my new favorite drink, vodkapagne. Alternative spellings are "vodkapain" and "vom-machine"
Also, I just realized you seduced me while in a batman onesie... Well done, sir. Well done.
Awwww breaks my heart, I just wanna fix his teeth and give him a blowjob.
Cocaine and dance dance revolution for 4 hours. I consider last night a success.
It took me longer to jump start my car and get to his house than the fucking actually took.....
tonight...tonight im having sex in honor of you
I swear I only fuck him for the huge bottle of smart water he gives me afterwards.
I guess when the asshole said “I really miss you and want to get back together” he actually meant “I’m banging a Hooters girl behind your back.”
I hope she gives him gonorhea
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