after he handcuffed me and put me in the back seat, "Mrs. Officer" started playing, I thought maybe this could be my escape
We've finally become those guys who you'd see in middle school when you went to the park who are just stoned out of their minds sitting on the swings.
funny how all you have to say is "i'm infertile" and boys are stoked on you
The vibrator you gave me is probably the one thing I will never give up if we got robbed at gunpoint
Package from mother. Contents: Cookies, my old pokemon cards, and condoms. Note: "These have a July 2010 expiration date so give them away or use them with a gal that would be a great daughter in law. Love Mom" Love you too momma
I just had a formal request to dress as a boyscout for my meeting with Legal on Friday. From Legal. Time to go home.
Saw the college gyno today. It has now been medically confirmed that I have a perfect vagina.
I would take a bullet for Beyonce's baby
my heaven will be filled with hot naked men covered in chick-fil-a sauce and me wearing a bib
So I hear you're taking over showing your penis responsibilities now that I'm gone?
It looks like I murdered a care bear and put its blood in my hair to warn the others off.
In my drunk state I was like I ONLY HAD SEX WITH SOMEONE ELSE BECAUSE HE WAS THE HOTTEST GUY IVE EVER EVEN SEEN
Man, that hitchhiker cursed me.
Did you just affectionately call me a scrotum?
Dude I just woke up naked on the floor with my dick in a boot. Legit in a fucking boot. I also have no idea where I am.
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