she told me she was pregnant in a never have i ever game
got high and went straight for the Doritos. I'm some kind of walking cliche.
Ok so the guy below me is either having sex very loudly or is very lonely
are you excited because you wanna see me or because you wanna get laid?
bc i get to see you. naked.
I just drank til 6am then boned a 32 yr old that looks exactly like ET. Oh god.
I feel like I need to get rid of the black eyeliner, glitter, and tequila breath before I to that world poverty conference..
Dude, just be careful. Her invitation for BJ is just a trap for her to stick her finger up your ass.
We need large glitter to throw at people to signify our mystic nature
Fuck their feelings and their drinks they will get hit with sparkly confetti
Got laid at work. Yes, AT work, why they let me run this tennis center by myself speaks to their poor judge of character.
I partied with a deaf mute last night. strangely enough the more drunk I get the easier it is to understand him.
so apparently last weekend we taught the mascot how to shotgun beers. am i winning college yet?
I blew past the Governor's motorcade going twice the speed limit and DIDN'T get a ticket. God wants me to get laid.
Like tbh you're not doing anything that screams I'm drunk and yet nothing says I'm going to spend $30 on McDonalds and make out with a stranger like that picture
Is it bad I use my AA meeting to hookup with guys?
Dude, some chick came over here earlier and thought my lube was hand sanitizer. She poured it all over her hands.
Randomize
