sometimes when you bring the thunder you get lost in the storm
apparently i started the naked brigade. and depantsed everyone who wasn't naked. her parents must hate me.
he said i was the most charming throwing up drunk person hes ever taken care of. so of course i had sex with him.
I don't know why people felt they couldn't use the toilet with me passed out in the tub. I shut the curtain. It was like being in another room.
Cuz its complicated and I hate complicated and I miss your penis
Wanna tell me why vodka seeped out of the memory foam when I climbed into my bed?
Things I just found under my covers: protein bar, string cheese, vibrator.
Don't mind me. My boyfriend is carrying me because I'm broken not because I'm drunk.
It's not even 9:30 yet..
finding an unopened condom on the ground can really change your outlook on the night
Maybe if he'd step up his game and get a real job instead of donating plasma and trying to grow pot then you wouldn't feel compelled to write prisoners in Oregon.
I'd rather blow Nickelback than be told he gave me gonorrhea. I'd even post it on Facebook for all of the world to like, share, and judge me.
It started with a wedding, followed by a drag show, and ended with Trevor getting punched in the face by the bouncer. How was your weekend?
Times have changed. Freshman year I could throw my shirt in a bonfire and still get laid. Now when I puke in my girlfriend's bed on her birthday I'm "an asshole"
They made the paper for stealing gnomes. I fucked a local celebrity.
You just sent a mass text asking if anyone ever drank the blood of a goat in the glorious name of Satan...after that we confiscated any writing utensil
Randomize
