dear santa what can i do with your candy cane?
Even my Mr Clean Magic Eraser can't make last night disappear.
xbox live and facebook are tricking me into believing I actually have an active social life
don't go back without me... they'll know i'm pooping.
I'd do that. But we would need storm trooper helmets.
He called me "the Joe Montana of blowies." Not sure if that is an accomplishment or an insult, but going off of the amount of condensation on the windows of my car, I'm gonna just do a little touchdown dance and pass out.
I keep hearing lesbian porn and I'm the only one home. I don't think this is healthy
4 girls bringing me taco bell. this is what dreams are made of.
They're putting plan B in vending machines now. My life just got so much easier.
Send me another check for the tickets. I scratched out "anal wax" and now the bank won't take it.
while i am personally glad that we met...i feel like for society as a whole it was a bad thing
Watching the Walking Dead, snuggled up naked, and drinking a beer. No better way.
If ever there was a tweet to describe your life, it's this.
He said he was Greek American and that is why my legs slammed shut. During the World Cup there are only Americans.
Because I chose to live vicariously through your uterus and you're letting me down right now.
Don't get yourself off tomorrow. We. Are. Having. Sex. That's that. Just dont do it.
Randomize
