dude. she was texting with her nipple. I love touch screen phones!
You drew a lightning bolt on your eye and stomach in eye liner and made me sing Poker face with you in harmonies. I never knew you were still a music major when you were drunk.
i don't know at this point bringing the fog horn might be a good idea...
I gave ten strangers a full description of his penis and its abilities. I need to stop drinking.
He googled the address of the bar, then sent me a text saying "6.3 miles. Too far. :( Apparently I am only worth a 5 mile radius.
You crawled through a doggy door 5 times for a shot if cheap vodka.
At one point they were sandwiching me, both petting my stomach, mad dogging each other. Then they somehow telepathically decided to both try to pull my pants down. Such nice guys.
we told the drug dealer that our car was dead and we needed a jump so he would bring the drugs to us...
somehow attending a funeral viewing turned into me snorting cocaine in the bathroom and drawing ninja turtles for children
Taylor Swift needs more songs about threesomes. I'm not sure she gets me anymore.
You could see the bone sticking out of his shin and he insisted he was "just gunna walk it off"
Last night was like blooper reel sex. He dropped me!!
i just watched a 7 minute video on people making a hot air balloon for their dog and i am a changed person
No, I barely made it home last nite. Kept telling cab driver I live across the street from Susan Sarandon?? Thank god her coop addy is posted online.
In California. Through an entire game + OT. That’s a long time to have an octopus in your pants.
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