Your date looks like the Cloverfield monster. good luck.
soo apparently i was out of money so i stayed in the bathroom for an hour-ish passing out paper towels for money..needless to say i got kicked out
dude.. you lit a cigarette on the bus and told the driver it was okay because you were fire marshall of your boy scout troop
It was like little house on the drunk prairie.
I positioned my bed perfectly so around 10 a.m. every morning there are rays of sunshine coming through the window in my room. Now i can tan while PTFO.
You are the only person I know that goes to a bar enough to charge your iPhone there....
i am one more weekend without sex away from dosing him with viagra and locking ourselves into a closet.
He started to lose his balance halfway through his "commencement speech" at the top of the staircase. The rest is bloody, profanity-laiden history.
I'm so prepared to puke on walk of shame tomorrow that I'm putting a toothbrush and toothpaste in my purse the night before. And to think, my dad thought I wouldn't make it in college.
Dude, you like sabotaged my shower time by walking in and eating a snack pack on the toilet. That's messed up on levels that haven't even been created.
You randomly sent me a black Santa Claus emoji at 2am. I think alcohol was involved.
i'm gonna crowd surf you onto his dick
I was sitting here smiling wondering why i'm so fucking happy at work. cookie has kicked in
Tell me I'm drunk and you have to come get me. It's usually true. They'll believe you.
Im sorry for telling you id rather jump into traffic than date you again. I didnt mean to be so rude
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