You look like a girl that would like strip clubs
i saved all my weight watcher points for this alcohol
Changed my sheets. Found a can of rockstar, crushed bag of tostitos, used tissues, and enough of both of our clothes to make a whole outfit.
She was crying and singing Taylor Swift on repeat. I'm never drinking with her again.
had to bail. she had her cat tattooed on her
I wanted to take a shower but I forgot we made applesauce in it last night.
And the clouds opened up and the sex gods said I hate you alfalfa
Like that time I held Annie up and she peed all over the window.. We make a good team.
I mean it was like cry my eyes out or masturbate in my moms bathroom.
Given he decided my interview was a date, showed up drunk and insisted on carrying me everywhere, we weren't off to a good start.
Send me a pic of your kids to remind me why I have morals.
Just got offered bathroom sex. I've never been more flattered.
I would say that that is the last time I ever drink a bottle of jack in two hours, but really who am I kidding?
Also I literally googled "how to fold socks" so that's how my day is going. How's yours?
He said it was the classiest hand job he ever had because my nails were painted red. We need to go to nicer bars from now on.
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