dude i totally did the walk last night came out of her room to see her dad sitting there straight lookin at me...wtf
He wanted to take me out and said we could "go huntin in the woods."
At this point, I would light birthday candles in my vagina for free drinks
he is fucking friends with his exwife on facebook, but he defriends me after 3 dates? am i that crazy?
i noticed he has a cardboard window on his car and he told me he locked his keys in his car and had to break in...this only makes him more appealing
Meet me at the corner of "what the fuck" and"how'd you get in my bed" in 10 minutes.
Did you know that if you hit someone in the head with a frozen loaf of bread you can knock them unconscious?
There's a very drunk Asian strawberry shortcake crying on the curb next to my truck. I'm not really sure what standard protocol is for this situation.
Pictures of drunk me in a bike helmet are like McDonald's collectible toys. There's sooo many, but NO ONE has seen all of them.
I got dressed on his front steps, peed on his neighbors lawn, then did a shoeless walk of shame home at 5am...
I need you to perform a face transplant. Please remove your face from your accounting book and relocate it to where it's most needed - between my legs.
Anyway, it's clearly a shapeshifting vagina/AT-AT, which I never said I was SEXUALLY attracted to. Just that I liked it.
The comfort of this onesie is keeping me single
Is it bad when I wake up sore & don't know if my injuries are from sex or the mechanical bull at the bar?
Seriously, I really just burned my nipple making ravioli.. I'd explain, but no reasoning makes this acceptable:/
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