apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
so he came on my face and then proceeded to say "that was just how i imagined it would happen"
where do you find these guys?
so he tried to quietly tell me my Tampon String was hanging out in front of his family but i didn't hear him so he yelled it
Well, both are illegal but one involves my vagina a whole lot less.
Just downloaded the entire Justin Bieber album sober.. I think you know how I'm doing.
She kept screaming "best case scenario"
After the concert, I paid a cab to drive me around the city so I could shout "dc highfive!" at everyone who passed for an hour and a half.
Kegstand on crutches, you need to get on my level.
Last night I texted her to confirm she could start designing costumes for my show this week.
That is one convoluted booty call.
He passed out in the car on the way to the party. Seabiscuit tripped before the race even started....Lil bitch....
Last night was incredible. I can tell by the nacho cheese on my jacket
How are you feeling?
I mean, shattered dignity aside, not bad.
I mean my dick does have feeling again, which is a step in the right direction
That moment that random you banged behind the bar is going to be your son's third grade teacher... yup I'm there.
Dude. All I know is that I woke up on the floor with two naked chicks who don't speak English.
Clutch
Randomize
