There are taser marks on me. Your face flashed before my eyes when i woke up and saw them.
If by any chance I go to the hospital make sure you stuff a pint in my pockets so I can keep up.
I decided that I do the same thing when i'm drunk with every guy who has a girlfriend...lecture them on how bad cheating is, then hook up with them. I'm like good cop, bad cop.
When you gave the girl your number the fat girl was like "take mine....here please take mine"
Watching porn with a bag of marshmallows. Thats when you know you're stoned.
Just in case you were wondering I sent you a text at 4:37 in the morning because I woke up on the side of the highway at that time
I give him a gold star every time I orgasm. His room looks like he's freaking King Midas.
Literally best acid trip ever. Better than sex. At one point she looked over at me, started crying, holds up her hands and said "dinosaur tears of sadness". Craziest roommate ever.
I just made my roommate a 'Hope you don't have chlamydia' cake.
Make one for john too.
The stripper was waving you to the stage, not up on the stage. That's why you got choked out.
They have 12 kegs and 40 bottles of liquor and a pool with a diving board. And hardly anyone at this wedding knows me. Should be a great night
the night probably should have been over when the guy let her fill out my mechanical bull waver for me because i couldn't read
You asked me to pick a color between pink and purple, and I said orange; you told me, "okay, that's a truth question". Then you asked if I had ever deep-throated a cupcake...I didn't even know what to say.
I need vodka mixed w a bit of holy water right now
you said you were going to the bathroom. we found you an hour later laying in the backyard clutching a bottle of vodka while singing the beatles and crying
Randomize
