My bed smells like naked
Haha. At least it doesn't smell like herpes
i just used the Cadillac of toilet papers. For a minute i actually forgot i was even wiping my ass....i thought i was floating butt first into heaven
Even though he is humpbacked he is really good in bed.
what part of "i slept with our hot teacher" are you not excited about?!
the part where you beat me to him
fair enough.
I was just told that i'm a premature cuddler. . . What does that even mean?
Whatever it is you failed
I don't think it counts as a walk of shame when it's someone you've wanted for 4 years. That's mission accomplished.
This is a great bar, except you can't even randomly burst into song without them assuming you're drunk and cutting you off.
It's not an office Christmas party until your boss confesses his undying love for your boyfriend...
I love birth control. How's that for a Facebook status on valentines day.
I have what looks like a rubber stamp mark on my cock from last night that says "Magic Marla Approved" Do we know a Marla?
I forgot her safe word. It was a rough night.
I'm at the back whiskey bar with a 7 and 7 in a winnie the pooh costume. Come find me.
That was the first time i’ve been physically intimidated by a LinkedIn profile.
I’m 37 with a career and a home and yesterday my niece set up Snapchat so I can sext with my 22 year old boyfriend/fuck buddy. Yes. Yes I’d say I need help?
Best night if my life? Time I got eaten out in the backseat of a M5 while eating White Castle. Then he fucked me. Perfect
Randomize
