had to check his id this morning to remember his name.... i was wayy off
My body has become completely dependent on Text Twist. I can't poop without it.
I think the fact that my first kiss is now in a porno says a lot about why my life is the way it is
We waited til after. Not even drunk sex felt right during a Disney movie.
Hey just to warn you theres a really fat guy passed out in front of our front door snoring. Don't touch him, he's in god's hands now.
Fell down a spiral staircase. Et tu vodka. Et tu.
We're making herpes jokes very loudly and hoping she notices.
hey watch out, they threw flour on everyone who passed out at their party last year.
I'm gonna take my bong and hot box the pirate ship in the daycare playground.
I only listened to his story about leaving the Amish community because I was hoping for a free drink
I am never taking a razor down there again. He'll have to love me as I am.
I know what you meant. If you want babies in time for your birthday, we gonna need either a time machine or a ski mask.
Moral of the story: next time my plans include you and bourbon, I'm packing a toothbrush.
I need a "no soliciting" sign for your dick
On a scale of 1 to hungover I’m definitely throwing up at the office today.
Randomize
