I feel like a bad episode of csi trying to figure everyone's DNA that's in me
i can't remember the last friday i didn't spend in the foetal position
I feel like banging her is an expected thing. But banging you would be like getting a 36 on the ACT.
I am currently sitting on a candy bar to warm it up cause it was in the fridge so I can eat it while watching the last song and smoking weed by myself
Woke up to pictures of me cooking wings with a blow torch.
Yelling drunk tank or bust at a cop, not a good idea
I'm drinking beergaritas with a dog who is high and a baby
your completely serious
You will not judge me for my made-up holiday of wine appreciation day
If you were curious as to how many pounds of bagged marijuana can fit in the trunk of a 2010 Chevrolet Aveo, we now have the answer
TOUCH YOURSELF. DO IT.
I don't think that's how you're supposed to sext
Now I'm ashamed that I wore a bra
I will go to bed dreaming of sexy Olympians carting me on a throne to the beach where they feed me pizza and champaign and massage my head/wash it like the hair dresser does.
You peed all over his floor and had a bottle popped in your ass when you passed out. Don't tell me I'm "still living in my college days"
It seems I've entered my 21st birthday the same way I entered this world: naked, crying and smothered in someone else's bodily fluids...
I mean she's doing calculus in her head to prove how NOT drunk she is.
Randomize
