if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
smoking weed is really the only logical conclusion to hangovers
my dad is drunk dialing our relatives who are stuck in a blizzard asking them to pick up sun tan lotion for him cause hes too drunk to drive to the store.
Do you think my parents will accept my drinking habits more if I told them I like to drink every night because I take good shits the next morning?
Just you wait I'll be crying and puking everywhere in no time
He told me he wants to eat me out all day while I lay in bed watching football. Seems like a solid foundation for a relationship to me.
FYI, grandma is already drunk and using a bed sheet as a table cloth.
The guy had great intentions when throwing us free beer off the balcony... but of course I was the one to get hit in the face because that's the kind of luck I have
I had a dream he was standing in front of me naked and flexing while yelling VICTORY and gizzing all over the floor.
I left my panties in the microwave for too long and they caught on fire
I spent two entire hours explaining to a guy why I wouldn't make out with him. How was your night?
Vodka Red Bull is like your spinach if you were Popeye
I just want to say that I've always loved you and you are my best friend ever
You gave that creepy guy my number, didn't you? You really need to learn how to just say no, not interested.
just played fuck the dealer and thunderstruck with my physics ta. he is the third ta that i have drank with this semester, i think i'm getting good at college
You need a new phone. When you talk it sounds like the teacher from Peanuts while she's trying to give a blowjob.
Randomize
