If you get a breast reduction, you have to let me see them before hand at least once. It's a rule.
The sex toys I ordered are being shipped to my billing address instead of shipping address. Take a guess where they're on their way to right now - my parents' house. And the package has to be signed for so there's no way around it. Fuck.
The whole way homeyou were flapping your arms up and down, and when I asked why you said you were trying to tell Tony Danza about the angels.
And i laid in the yard with carrots on my chest cause i wanted a bunny
You broke a cabinet. You were climbing up it and it collapsed on you. Lines were crossed.
I called my dad at 3 a.m. because I thought he'd be proud that I didnt get arrested. Daddys little girl at her finest...
RA chick in a Christmas onsie chased us up 5 flights of stairs. I need to stop violating guest policy
The judge mental looks i am getting while looking at porn on my phone sitting in the urgent care waiting room is gonna get way worse when they find out im here to see if im pregnant
Dude, I lost my shirt, and my doorknob is gone. I'm not sure which I should find first
So that groomsmen was naked under his kilt. Also I just had sex in the elevator. And yes, those two updates are definitely related.
the good news is that even if it's Alex's, I can still say it's Colin's, because the kid will come out ginger anyway!
who knew there'd be a plus side to your ginger fetish one day?
There's no sexy way to moan the name Ernest. Or Ernie. This relationship is fucked
I slept naked last night on stolen pillows. I felt like a golden goddess.
I'm using emojis for drug deals now. It's time to kill me.
you can't just call dibs on my vagina bro.
Randomize
