also, you're talking to the girl for whom "deformed baby arm" wasn't quite a dealbreaker.
you were almost asleep and mumbling "your penis is on my cheek"
My T9 text prediction thing keeps predicting every next word is going to be "midgets".
i take my contacts out every time we fuck so i cant see all the stretch marks
I hope no one at work will be able to read the "who wants body shots" on my chest. I forgot about it.
Don't be offended. I can't even stand sleeping next to my dildo after I'm done, let alone a whole person.
I wonder if i could put a dildo on my bike seat to encourage me to exercise.
I told them the reason I passed out was because of "heat exhaustion." Not from showing up drunk. Good thing this is Arizona.
Did you just say he wants to put a baby inside me?
do you think they make 'sorry for walking in on you drunkenly jacking of to a picture of me' cards?
He brought a girl home so fat he called me before they got home to unlock the right side of the French doors
Fuck he won the bet
Just had an hour long talk with a woman, turns out she's the mom of the guy i lost my virginity to. Even better his dog was also present.. Meeting the family at its best?
There are five fire trucks here and needless to say my booty call left so come back home whenever you like
when I die covered in cocaine, hookers, and tequila at 73 years old just remember that I once had a tweet with that many retweets
just move with us, we wanted to get a dog. youre kind of the same thing..
Randomize
