i wish i could "like" people's thoughts in real life like i can on facebook
you can....by speaking....
I am unfriending an ex-one night stand because his profile picture is of his wife's ultrasound.
my professor saw me buying beer for the super bowl and said go patriots. thats how i know im getting an A in his class.
I hear the sound of that stray bird you rescued from the kitchen but am too busy drunkenly masturbating to feed it
There are cops on horseback in our back yard
Do you ever feel like your dog agrees with you? Like REALLY really agrees.
Do I really need this much space in my mouth?
Are you already high?
please, i've had weekends with less dignity than this.
I'm so happy I'm only on my second drink. That would have been the best idea ever if I was on my fifth.
Dinner at my parents is vodka, lemonade, cheese ad crackers. Why would I leave?
As if I didn't already know that I was in the friend zone, our conversation that included the words "kiddo" and "old friend" really was a knee biter.
Whatever. I have his dick. Haha how many girls can say they have a dildo replica of a guy they were seeing
Update: they told me I was twerking to twenty one pilots
You gotta come over now. He is eating cupcakes while they are still in the foil.
I think you know you’ve caught feelings when you’re asking a tinder boy his opinion about your current fuck buddy.
Randomize
