I found a pair of size 15 female undies on my floor?? is that big?
...she just doesn't genetically have the things I want my kids to have.
When he came he sounded like a flock of birds hitting puberty
she demanded that I make her breakfast too so im in the bathroom cooking bacon with her straightener
No dude I got way too drunk to function. 90% sure I tried to FaceTime 911.
thanks for not telling him i named my trumpet after his dick
American Eric just peed on us from the second floor. Hes now very confused as to why his "toilet is yelling." Send help.
She made me walk a straight line to prove i was sober enough to help carry you to the car
Knowing you it was perfect out of spite. Like. A line straighter than YOU
He wins the giant teddy bear for getting the neuva ring on the dick
It's getting to the point where my ability to get dick pix during the work day is impressing even me. Take that, adulthood!
I expect you will be there for a drunken 3way with my husband again this new year.
I still have that dildo-suction bruise on my forehead and this sweater STILL smells like my Christmas Eve vomit.
You have my heart. You only share my vagina.
Considering I drank for you last night, do you mind picking up your half of the hangover
So, I almost went hone with a French guy and a drag queen. Together. Then I became sober enough to realize, that's not my style.
Randomize
