it doesn't get any better than taco bell and soft core porn
threw up in my backpack again. Asian guy I cheat from wasn't pleased.
just threw up on dog. broke microwave with cheese and spoon. having a bath with my barbies singing final countdown.
before you ask yes i found the absinthe under your bed. ITS THE FINAL COUNTDOWWWWNNNNNN
I just watched her pee in a trashcan, im still probably going to fuck her, what does that say about my standards
No, listening to the fray and drinking a bottle of jack daniels does not count as counseling
Got paid to make out with a girl. It takes skill to be this drunk and still make money
I'm all about sex. But even I know there will be a time to retire my junk. And that will be my 40th birthday, or whenever I'm hideous
well, I yelled "the tribe has spoken!" at a boatload of people and then I walked home alone in the pouring rain at 1:30am. karma really is a bitch, yo.
I was ok with it until you started yelling " just the tip!" I know she's you gf but don't backseat drive the three-way.
with a cock that big I don't even care that he makes a convincing drag queen
I donkey kicked that mother fucker. Never stood a chance.
It was a door. A completely inanimate object, of course it didn't stand a chance you idiot.
I need to pull it together. I just cried my eyes out to Master Chef Junior.
You know you've been having sex for 9 months when you do Rock Paper Scissors for who has to go on top
Walk of shame through Chipotle? Check.
Got any extra dick over there? I’m running low
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