Dude i think i got lasagna in my eye
i think i can safely say that is the weirdest thing you've ever propositioned me with. so obviously my answer is yes.
You were like pukeahontas last night, you tried to tell us you were okay, then you puked in the garden.
I stole another quarter from the bathroom. I'm slowly getting rich drinking here.
I just sniffled when I woke up and got a bump of coke. I have never felt so good hung over.
Just for future questioning, I didnt break up with you over text
I AM NOT THE MAN IN THIS RELATIONSHIP.
It's shit like this that makes people think we're gay.
Siri makes being stoned even easier. I don't even Have to type my texts myself
Though I typed a half of that one
It's not safe here. I had urgent and violent diarrhea last night, and I got blackout drunk. Please don't come over.
I am on my way right now and I SWEAR TO GOD IF YOU EAT MY BURRITO YOU WILL NEVER SEE MY TITS AGAIN
You squatted and peed on the living room floor while maintaining eye contact with Sebastian
This is a question I thought I'd never have to ask. How many hits of acid did you give your dad tonight?
Ahh yes. I lost my pants and swimming suit and phone charger. And I've found out who has them all even while hungover. Successful day. Nice party too.
you know you’re single when you try to cook yourself a nice pasta dinner but you’re too weak to open the container of sauce and theres no one around to help you
As long as it's more "this is where i see an issue" vs "psst.... tiddies" then i have no argument
Randomize
