I was high enough to think chocolate sauce on bagel bites was a good idea
That explains waking up with one hand in the toilet and the other in the trash can
Just saw a commercial bout this girl that lost 54 lbs on a taco bell diet. so thats my excuse.
You drew a lightning bolt on your eye and stomach in eye liner and made me sing Poker face with you in harmonies. I never knew you were still a music major when you were drunk.
i feel like arbor mist is too classy for that. you need a colt 45
Yeah you're right. The one time when arbor mist is too classy
She was about to go down when you guys iced me. Thanks bro
Just found out I reached my $2500 deductible and I have a $5 million dollar cap on my health insurance. Let's get drunk and do something recklessly stupid tonight.
he just sent me a pic of him naked with a bucket of margarita mix hanging off his dick
you're by far the better bro. your dick is more impressively sized, anyway
I hate that you know that from experience
I almost shit my pants in anger over your moral sanity.
Idk man I'm just a giant talking marshmallow ready to be toasted and dipped in chocolate
Update: his apartment is apparently in the campus Christian community center. The fact that I fucked him on the couch in the lobby is officially my crowning life achievement.
She's the prison bitch to my Martha Stewart.
Why am I sleeping on top of the fridge?
You were playing hide and seek with the dog. she couldn't find you and you passed out.
she compared me favorably to her vibrator
which one?
Randomize
