I had to get a ride home from that girl that slept with 3/4 of the band
Bro, I met the coolest hottest chick tonight and she has the hottest friends.
Where are you?
Strip Club
yeah that always happens. i'm like the where's waldo of parties. i never even know where the fuck i'm at.
mom in a round about way told me to either donate my eggs or become a surrogate bcuz I need money.
I don't think he wanted to hear that my most serious relationship was my 1 1/2 year fuck buddy... I think he figured out that's where he's heading
My building was evacuated who wants to quake and bake
She wasnt impressed wen i brought a guy for her back with me, a 3am impromptu sperm donor is not a gd birthday present. Im a bad gf.
Somehow me not being able to breathe due to cocaine doesn't seem very domesticated.
I mean, I gave him a hand job on the Pearl Harbor tour bus; I don't know what the fuck else he wants out of this "relationship"
I apparently insisted on hugging all the bushes and apologizing for pollution on the way home.
I don't think you understand. I woke up under the car. At 3 am. In the club parking lot.
Why did you not tell me that video snapchats are a thing? This is a fucking game changer for my mobile sex life.
I know it's my dream I got hurt enough to leave work but not hurt enough to stop drinking
I just put poptarts in the toaster with the wrapper on, that's how hungover I am.
Our conversation went from you choking me to my quarter life crisis reeeaaalllll quick.
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