I'm afraid my bank account can't handle syllabus week.
Apparently I kept telling the bartender that I was going to set the Guinness World Record.
Thank you for getting us into that car accident. I have had more guys hit on me than ever before because of my broken fingers.
and I believe it was when I was running to class to take a test still drunk in my Halloween costume that I realized I have reached that point in the semester where I just don't give a flying fuck anymore.
She bit a glowstick open. Apparently they burn. We bonded while she washed the chemicals out of her mouth as I did double shots of Jager.
You told the cop FUCK YOU AND YOUR TASER, i dont think he appricaited that
At what point do you think my baptist preacher of a father will clue in that my brother "bringing a foreign exchange student" for thanksgiving means "bringing his european boyfriend and they'll probably fuck every night" for thanksgiving?
You took a selfie with my hard dick and sent it to Scott with the caption 'Toldja'. It was hard to forget you're a teenager after that
Do exhausted, barely concealed hand jobs count as joining the mile high club?
Adulthood is punching a guy in the face when you find out he's trying to fuck you and he's married instead of fucking him regardless and believing anything he says
You just missed an honest to god bukkake
Look, if this is a cop, just lemme know that Mike is ok. Fuckin all star game
I think sunday funday got a little out of control. There is cheese slices and BBQ sauce all over the roof and 4 empty bottles of vodka in my room.
She totals her lexus and all she wants is to have crazy wild sex.
I should have robbed the cradle years ago. Turns out 21 year old boys can cum and still fuck me silly a minute later. My vagina feels like it just won a car from Oprah!
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