He dyes his hair, fake tans and lies constantly. What did you really expect from him?
A better fuck for starters.
she has no idea who harrison ford is.
see that's why i'd never date someone born in the 90s
Haha oh wow he'd be perfect. He's got everything MTV looks for in a real world cast member. Gay. Tool. From Methuen
guess who just got paired up at the beer pong table with the fat girl who's nipples are hanging out...
you threw up in the bushes next to the ABC store and kept saying "you're home, blueberry vodka, you're home!"
i'm 67% sure he was trying to sing in hawaiian
No its cool, because I bought a handle of tequila earlier, in case things went south
I just threw up trying to put pants on. This is obviously a sign to stay naked.
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
Not sure if you're still doing the whole "sleeping with only one person" thing but if you're not we should sleep together when I get back in town tonight.
Just bought a gingerbread house kit and pregnancy tests. Happy holidays.
We turned a wake into a bar crawl.
my birth father cheated on his wife with my birth mother. it's literally in my blood to be a home wrecker.
We could just stay sober.
No! We tried that once.
It sucked.
she was sitting on the toilet asking for me to take a "cute facebook profile picture" for her
Randomize
