I woke up around 30 bottles of beer, with a piece of aluminum foil in my hand, that had "you Win" Wrote in sharpie..
I have been running off of weed, alcohol, and Mexican food. What is Tallahassee.
I just had a 30 minute fake cell phone conversation with myself just to avoid hooking up with the drunk guy next to me. its like an art form.
Next time, showing us his dick should be his entry fee into your house.
Either I got the clap, or I masturbated with soap while I was sleeping.
He kept checkin to make sure you were still alive after you passed out on his bed, After like the 4th time he walked back in there you were naked on his bed eating an apple, claiming he needed to be the Adam to your Eve..That drunk..
My new hangover cure is going for a haircut, just so the stylists give me a scalp massage during the shampoo.
That certainly explains the nine times your hair has looked different just this last month alone.
How frowned upon is it to take your vibrator into the tanning bed...because Operation: dripping wet is in full swing and I have a busy schedule
YOU HAVE BEEN BAD TOUCHED BY THE LEPRECHAUN OF CHOICES
My mom just said we can't get married in nude body suits to look like earthworms. She's ruining my life.
Oh no. Did we do a blood oath again?!
Someone needs to lock me in a chastity belt because all my vagina does is get me into trouble. Fuck.
Not even a manhunt keeps my brother and his friends from the bars
They don't really make a "hey I'm fucking your ex wife" card do they ?
Do dollar stores sell vibrators?
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