I never thought I would say the free bottle of grey goose was the problem but it was
I love you, but you should know I'll always ditch you for weed.
I respect you for how well you shave your vagina. It isn't easy and my dick faces out, not in.
A 40 year old man just put his hands on my thighs and said in these exact words "you're so beautiful and gorgeous and innocent. But life sucks and you'll probably turn into a whore."
Ive never seen him vulnerable before. He just had surgery and looked so cute on his crutches. like a little baby bird with a broken wing. that i wanted to nurse back to health. with my vagina
Nothing says "future AA member" like bonging 40's out of a plastic flamingo.
He wants to buy me a drink to apologize for sending me a pic of his dick. Welcome to my life.
My homemade mace ate through its aluminum container. I make awesome mace.
I am just glad I was home to catch most of it, cause it smells BAD.
I'm not a scientist but that could be because it's homemade mace. That is however just a hypothesis
I knew full well that at some point during the night my penis would be out with this costume choice
When was the last time you wore pants?
Time is relative.
And pants are optional.
He smells like ham and a lifetime of poor choices
Oh? I just remember dropping coins and trying to give the manager change to let me back into the bar.
I haven't gotten this high alone in a long time. I keep looking at the cat waiting for her to say something.
I'm going to tell you something and I want no judgement because it's america day and I'm wearing an American flag bathing suit but...I woke up in a yard.
might I remind you I fucked a 21 year old and almost did coke with strangers? you definitely came out on top
Randomize
