I woke up covered in my own vomit with a pocket full of napkins. I guess I knew I would need them, but was not coherent enough to use them before passing out.
i was so worried that when his hands were down my pants he was going to find the weed i stole from him
I've decided to turn your sobriety into a reason for me to be able to drink more.
She said we should all be mermaids since didn't breathe for 9 months inside our mothers. I want her logic.
Just did ten shots in 8.34 minutes........ Slowly getting over the loss
You called him your tasty little crouton. Which actually wasn't the weirdest part.
Romney sounds like a middle school girl and that creepy ass smile makes me want to close my blinds
As we were about to go at it, his roommates barged in singing jumper by third eye blind. Weirdest almost one night stand ever.
Wearing rip off pants to a booty call last night was one of my most brilliant ideas ever.
Nothing like drunkenly buying a pregnancy test at 8 am to get out and realize your nip was out the whole time.
So i had a lucid dream about blowing myself. This is why people love me
Looks like I accidentally stole two of your beers and left my pants at your place.
How did you leave without pants?
Sometimes, it’s important to take a moment and kinkshame yourself.
Decided to stay in tonight. Completely sober. Just got two drunken booty calls within 5 minutes of each other. This is my life.
I woke up with eight different shoes in my bed what the hell happened last night
Randomize
