tried to order jimmy johns from the ER last night, the nurses did nottt approve
All I saw was a beagle come across the screen and explain the theory of relativity to me and leave
And im sorry for wishing your girlfriend gets genital warts.
Just found my old bop it. So many drinking game possibilities
Bro I can't jerk it to my phone anymore. I feel Siri staring back, and she's real disappointed.
well in DOG beers, i've only had one
There is a positive side to a sinus infection. Exclusively cowgirl sex. I've convinced her I'd pass out if I had to do the work.
Well, I just did coke with a drag queen in a bathroom so that's the direction this night is taking
I think I left my chapstick at your house when I tried using your penis as a catapult and flung it on the floor. Be a dear, and try to see if you can find it.
I hear fucking Christmas music. I'm going to find fucking Santa and tell him to suck a dick and shut up for the next month
The plan is that you eat an edible first, then pressure your dad to do one. You know you are down.
Somehow I woke up next to the bouncer who kicked us out of the bar last night...
Bruh. He just said the words "cyber sex"-is it 1999?
I wish i didn't black out tuesday so i could have cherished our moment together
Throwing up together is NOT a cherishable moment...
I’ve chosen to watch a Mercedes station wagon drive around the Austrian in the rain because it’s live sports. If that doesn’t explain 2020, I don’t know what does.
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