I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
You know what sound is wonderful for a hangover? Listening to the horns from the South Africans at the world cup
and then he publicly announced her herpes on facebook.
This is to remind you the pizza is in the dishwasher birthday boy eat it before it goes on
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'll be honest. I knew what I was getting into. I'm not proud, but I'll be damned if I'm ashamed. 6 month draught is over. That's justice.
High Amy loves you. Sober Amy is unsure, but she's not here so fuck that bitch.
So apparently after I spilled candle wax down the front of my pants, I went to the store, bought condoms, and passed them out to everyone at the bar.
I thought they were lying to me about the condoms, until I found the receipt in my pocket.
Your brother slept on my deck. There was a key under the mat. Relapse party success.
I have enough bourbon in me to put Justin's cat in the dishwasher.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
After 7 months of nothing.. shall we throw your vagina a party? as its reinstatement into society?
I just spent 12 consecutive hours in the same outfit and none of it was pajamas. If that's not personal growth, I don't know what is.
We inadvertently arrived at the strip club on Bear Night. The dancers all look like young Santa Claus and there's a buffet....
If I could drink as much and have the amount of sex he has at his age, well I'd probably be dead
How was your day?
Peaceful. I left the house to get paid and get fried chicken.
You microwaved all of my silverware, I don't care if you spent all your money on tequila, you're paying for this.
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