I hope God doesn't listen to everybody on a Saturday night.
Dude let's go to Saudi Arabia. They outlawed valentine's day. And probably love.
You kept running into the wall most of the night. When people asked you what you were doing you told them you were the kool-aid man and there was little kids on the other side of the wall who needed your juice
I vaguely remember telling a bum she was worth more than this
She came to the party dressed as slutty elmo and then called me oscar the grouch for not wanting to bang her in the dumpster outside.
she is way to in-touch with her childhood
I'm convinced that college is the only place where one can have an existential crisis over what sweatpants to wear
You need to fuck him. The man has his own Wikipedia.
We went to Olive Garden so high we didn't talk and managed to be awkward enough for the waiter to ask if it was our first date
Who breaks their ankle the day before a beach wedding? This guy. Maybe this is karma for fucking someone's wife? Idk.
he would snap chat his dick as like Harry Potter
I'm trying to find some better sex background music so his neighbors don't hate us. This is tedious.
So, I feel bad. I just told my husband I had sex with someone else while on a business trip. Today is his birthday. I'm kind of a dick.
I was cock-blocked by a swat team last night.
Just so you know, you called at 2 last night and kept making me tell you that I loved you and then when you got home you thanked me for walking you home. Incase you forgot, I'm still about 200 miles away.
Crazy homeless man drinking beer out of a vitamin water container on the bus just set me up on a date with the yuppie next to him
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