Today let's steal peoples pets out of their backyards and leave ransom notes
I just heard a mom tell her toddler son "shut the fuck up. Don't ask me to buy you shit when i'm taking u to go see some fucking animals" welcome to the bronx.
If burritos were dicks, we'd have a serious relationship problem on our hands. Just saying.
i had a dream that i had so much marijuana that i didn't know what to do with it. i woke up and cried.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
just saw your exgirlfriend at the mall. her sister is pretty hot.
called that a week into the relationship. like driving off the lot with a 2010 and seeing the 2011 models coming in on the truck.
i chugged some hot sauce before i gave him head. i think a burning penis is a great way to say fuck you
I would like to apologize for my MANY attempts of trying to motor boat you.
My living room is scattered with glow sticks wrappers, sparklers, face paint & beer cans?
It's not as cool looking when the drugs wear off, is it?
His roommates came in and started a dance party in his room while we were having sex. He said it wasnt the first time.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just got carded by a ten year old.
Here you are just trying to masturbate and I'm talking to you like your an initiate for some secret society.
You know I think I am ok with him not moving in yet. He came over, fixed my closet, ate me out, and left. I'm now in sweats drinking coke and rum and watching new girl. This works for me.
I was gonna drive but when i tried to use telekinesis to get my keys, I knew I shouldn't be driving
How about we just have a naked taco night instead?
I hope you have your own chainsaw cause I didn’t buy one for you. It was a gross oversight on my part
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