so it turns out you can rearrange the letters in "scottsdale" to spell "milf city." who knew?
Too bad my thesis topic isn't "defining a hot mess: a study in drinking, smoking and other bad life decisions."
Being back home for the summer opens up so many opportunities to have sex without increasing my number
i should do something illegal before my birthday. as of thursday im old enough to go to jail.
Carrying your underwear around in your purse on Sunday morning is its own religious experience
The only thing I remember is doing a toddlers and tiaras dance routine onstage. I fucking CURTSIED.
OMG stop. Pretty feet? Sparkle baby!
Just got a message from a drag queen on okcupid. I cant even catfish successfully.
I met her parents last night. Her dad smelled like weed and kept yelling "I HAVE ALLERGIES AHHH MY EYES ARE BURNING!" During dinner It had to be good weed he didn't even know he was yelling.
I'm still home, my life isn't together. Currently drying my pants
How do you explain to your kids that you met their mother well you were giving her a gynecological exam??
We got really excited for country fried steak then we had sex.
I just did a bump with my mom so I’d sober up for Black Friday shopping
The good news is I woke up fully clothed, on top of my covers, with a half eaten granola bar. So, breakfast was waiting for me and I’m already dressed and ready to go today.
He punched me in the face while giving him road head, because he was driving stick. I shit you not.
I'm totes in the mood to go home and like blindly inhale dangerous amounts of porn
Randomize
