Best part is I totaly had to get into my dads car like I didn't have my pants off two minutes ago.
I just watched a girl use a tall boy Coors as a rolling pin to make christmas cookies
I'm pretty sure this all started when I found a vibrator in my mom's sock drawer and had my first orgasm when I was ten...
I joined a mariachi band. they gave me a guitar because i told them i could play. It actually turned out ok
They kicked me out of the mariachi band. Turns out I'm not that good
Just sneezed out a half gram of coke into a tissue. Four hours after the fact. The bender continues.
that's how you measure success
By how bad my vagina hurts on a Tuesday morning while I'm trying to figure out how I got white girl wasted on a Monday?
thank you for being a reason not to completely check out of my life and start sleeping all day, crying all night, and living off vodka acquired through credit card debt
I have a rash on my arm from the cat litter. Think the cat will be mad that I peed in its box?
I'm supposed to nail the old lady at 1:30 so I'll see you at 1:35ish.
I could see myself being this awkward weirdo drunk girl that patted strangers and danced terribly but was powerless to stop it
We need to leave a grand offering for the god of free booze and salvia.
He told me I remind him of his ex girlfriend but in a better more advanced way..
Scientific fact: if he makes a face like a demonic dog when he's fucking you, makes it easier to fuck without feelings.
girls shouldnt black out with american flag bandaids on their nips
We just did a u turn on the highway to settle a dispute in a game of slug bug
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