You look just like Jennifer Aniston on food.
I like to think that tonight was Jesus punishing James Cameron for his role in popularizing "My Heart Will Go On."
Couldn't get it up. She asked me what she was doing wrong. Didn't have the heart to tell her. I appreciated her willingness to adapt, but she's pretty much gonna look that bad her whole life.
Dear Derek. I would like to offer my sincerest apology for the 2 to 6 text messages you are about to read. Also for the 15 minute voicemail, which may or may not have sent. Sincerely, Sober Katie
You force fed me chocolate chips and avocados for 3 hours and kept asking me about my trip to sweden when I was 4.
I just found a video of you asking to be a whale with me.
She was into my hawaiian shirt and id never made out with a dinosaur... I feel like it worked out for everyone
just peed on my shirt somehow, im calling it a day
blew off easter dinner with the fam to go play shot roulette. woke up in nothing but my boxers in the back of a random pickup truck.
The DJ was throwing glowsticks into the crowd and managed to smack one guy in the face with them
He went down on me to the national anthem being sung by Jordan sparks. It was very patriotic of him
I don't get promposals. When I asked my date I was so drunk I couldn't lift my head. Then I puked on my lawn after he said "ok whatever". That's romance
If I die tonight somebody's going to have to let all my tinder matches know.
Puking out the window is really hard when you're the one driving.
He passed out while I was riding him but stayed hard long enough for me to orgasm. He definitely earned the blow job I’m going to wake him up with in the morning!
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