Tonight, I'm planning on being a bigger trainwreck than Britney Spears circa 2007.
so whenever I text yeah my phone automatically corrects it to yeahhhheeehhyeahyeahh .. too much party in the USA?
no seriously, she's legit pissed i'm late to lunch because i was watching full house. there's obviously no future here.
He's having a heart to heart coversation with the keg about what he should do with his life.
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passed a homeless guy with a sign that read "420 vetran" we gave him a bowl of bud
Carpe scrotum. Grab life by the balls.
This is the moment in my life where I take a fork in the "nice guy" road ive traveled for 23 years and fuck everything in sight that doesnt have herpes, or is in-between flare ups and I don't know about it until my dick is on fire.
New definition for "rock bottom": Waking up in a puddle of your own puke, missing your fake tooth. Then having to dig through said puddle of puke for aforementioned fake tooth. Think it's time I quit partying so hard.
Is this your way of breaking up with me as my wingman?
He said I could pay him back in blow jobs. What's the going rate for those these days?
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I just asked her to come in through the window, this pretty much solidifies the whole fuck-buddy thing...
I am having the most awesome nonsexual conversation about my vagina right now
i got to his house for our first date at the same time as his dealer, so what I'm saying is I'm in love
The oven caught fire. I put it out, but called the fire department just to make sure it was okay since the smoke wasn't going away
You just wanted to meet firemen
sex on acid sucks though, i want to connect with the universe not your dick.
Well the good news of being walked in on, my mom says your tits are pretty. Then she added that hers were like that once. Fml
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