The girl I was getting head from just called my dick an anteater...I hate my parents for not cutting my cock tip off.
Highlight of my evening, pile of books falling onto me in front of people
I just made a 90's Nickelodeon TV theme song power hour mix...I don't want to build it up but your head might explode
I was eating her out when she coughed, I just swallowed a bright red blood clot
Hint of advice dont get with minor league baseball players, you can google their stats but not their stds.
Just for future questioning, I didnt break up with you over text
Bad news. I baked you a cake and one of my fingernails is missing.
Im pretty sure by the fifth subway ride after going in circles the four times prior, we all just accepted that we werent making the concert and should instead enjoy our magical weed and tequila laced journey.
I'm an EMT, not a miracle worker. No, I can't fix your sprained dick.
Fun new game when high: sorting socks. Took forever. Was awesome.
Really?!? Does he think blocking me on FACEBOOK means that he doesn't have a kid with me?!
Would you and/or him be willing to dress up like the phantom, sing me music of the night and then bone the shit out of me? this is important.
I just shaved my "bikini area" into a fucking pizza slice
the texts you sent will act as the rosetta stone for all drunk people
My mom just walked in on me naked taking a shit and packing a bowl...the only comment she makes is, she wants her Tupperware back after my pot's out of it. Best mom ever.
Randomize
