There is a guy standing at my bar right now wearing an affliction SUIT. I can't wait on him.
Listen, Pinot Grigio got me pregnant. It can get you a boyfriend.
i hope whoever thought of bagged wine flip cup last night has the same hangover as me. not ok.
We gave a starfish gin and Lucky Charms. I think it enjoyed it. Best trip to the beach ever.
to which he commented "you must really like me on top". I didn't have the heart to tell him that was the only way the room stopped spinning
Not exactly sure why you felt the need to get the halloween decorations out. But waking up to 7 carved pumpkins really scares the shit out of you.
Her boyfriend was hitting on other girls while drunk. But, she said she was okay with it because she is a feminist and she supports all women's decisions.
I won the booty shaking contest by mooning the whole bar
You guys wanna start around 10:30 tomorrow?
We can start at 5am for all I care. You ask like I have plans.
We're trying to make our wedding vows nice but meeting on OkCupid fucks that up entirely.
And now I'm taking a break sitting on the bathroom floor thanking god that people who eat at subway are either too classy to piss on the floor, or are still relatively sober enough to not piss on the floor before 5pm.
I'm glad you had fun with your genitals.
He showed me his sex playlist and it looked good, so I slept with him.
I lost my virginity to Adventure Time. DO YOU NOT UNDERSTAND THE SIGNIFICANCE?!
I'm gonna write a book entitled "when you give a cop a cookie..."
I don't even want to know.
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