don't go home with that guy from jersey
i know, not worth the blood test
why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
Is it weird that I miss finding cum in my bed?
1. No more tequila 2. Why do you let me say slutty things? 3. I woke up and our apartment was covered in cake? 4. Love you
we were doing it doggy-style and i felt him pop that pimple on my back.I have mixed feelings about it
His facebook interests include 'unstrapping velcro'.
He sent me a vid of himself jerking off. I hope his hands are the size of tennis rackets or it will be a very short date.
I think sneezing out coked up boogers onto your professor disqualifies you from the "I was sick" excuse
I literally got so drunk last night, I texted myself "porpoises" and that was it. I have no recollection of this.
I woke up to my bra draped over his lamp and a huge bump on my head. apparently, I face planted while having sex in the shower..
The last thing I remember is goading each other into a vodka-chugging competition.
You threw up at the outdoor bar and it was pretty...astonishing just how much can come out of such a small human.
And now, by the power vested in me by the state of intoxication, I now pronounce you fucking awesome.
But he said I was unpatriotic for not having sex with him. What was I suppose to say to that?
I broke my dick don't ask me how I need help putting in a catheter so I can piss.
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