I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
I want to fuck you on the side of the bed tonight.
babe, don't say it like that!
I'm sorry, I want to penetrate you on the edge of our sleeping quarters this evening.
Well he asked to have a sober hang out so i guess that constitutes as a date in college
i cant remember past the part when we filled his tub with skittles.
Thank God for cruise control and the Starbucks cup I had to puke in.
well my dad not being home definitely made it less awkward to walk in carrying the bra I left wearing.
He texted me for drugs this time. Not sex. I dunno if I should be pleased it's not sex or disappointed that I come across as a druggie
You can't start the super bowl without starting a kitchen fire making cole slaw. Its unamerican.
I don't even want to know
Multiple bruises and a hell of a headache later, I have still to find out where the fuck I picked up the bottom half of a mannequin.
I feel my soul being ripped out of my eye sockets
The awkward moment your booty call shows up to the Mexican restaurant and realizes you just picked burritos over pussy
I traded some nice guy at the bar ten bucks and a pack of cigarettes for his leather jacket. I'm pretty sure I win at life. Whoever is in my phone as Tyler Durden, I thank you.
Tomorrow has nothing to do with the threesome
I am the one with the vagina. I get to call it.
I'm getting reacquainted with drunk me. She has grown up a lot.
At some point you said you just wanted to get laid, so we had a moment of silence for your dead sex life...
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