$4 taco and $400 parking ticket. i am not a cheap date.
i have your red jacket for some reason. and a good deal of shame and embarasment. note to self, wear underwear when you wear a dress. also, i was electrocuted last night. dont ask how.
The only thing I want to hear out of a girl's mouth tonight is, "slurp".
I would blow Magic Johnson for a pack of lucky strikes right now. Post-hiv.
All I know is it had something to do with a plunger and tuna salad. I'm done. I'm quitting my job.
i would rather give Shaq a handjob than take this accounting final
I ended up taking shots of whiskey and chasing them with potato wedges, I have never felt more Irish
we fucked the fort apart but we'll rebuild it after we get some drinks.
I am never taking advice from you again. The high heels in the shower were a bad idea. I orgasmed and almost drowned.
You are going to be so proud of me, I'm wearing underwear AND tights. That's two layers more than usual between my vagina and the world.
You have all of her herpes and none of my sympathy
You chucked an empty vodka bottle against the wall and yelled "Everyone calm the fuck down, it's just the cops." After 10 seconds of silence I looked over and saw you pissing their fountain.
I realize designer coke was a douchey thing to say but the point of the story is I did bath salts
Sometimes I wish I lived alone because there would be no one to judge me if I wanted to have whiskey and popcorn for breakfast.
You were up on table in a neon bra chanting "YOUR MOM" while drizzling vodka on your chest...
no wonder i woke up with my boobs stuck to my bra
Randomize
