I just woke up under a kitchen table with my sandals taped to my feet and a corona bottle taped to my hand..
If you die in college, do you die in real life?
Never again let me pretend to be australian for free booze.
Doctor took one look at my penis and said, 'you don't have herpes, you just masturbate too much'
I just don't see what's wrong with carrying a water bottle around.
It's not the bottle. It's the fact that you're drinking wine out of a sport bottle at 9 am.
You think they'd ask my permission before turning Pajamarama into an orgy. I saw too many of my friends dicks at once the door got kicked down.
At what point in my life did a night that has strippers, belly dancers, tequila and a midget become "average"?
I made him say "i realize i'm cheating on my girlfriend" five times aloud before i would hook up with him. Somehow that has to lessen my bad karma
Also, horsecock action starts in about a month. Have you prepared yourself yet?
When you get shitfaced you find strippers when I get shitfaced I speak to woodland creatures, do you see the dilema?
Dude I'm hungover as fuck in a bed in Baltimore with another man... I don't think I can make it.
And then you two got up and shouted in near perfect unison "I'M ALWAYS A SLUT FOR BASKIN ROBBINS" The bar just looked at us horrified.
Pro tip: If you tell him that his dick looks like a muppet then you won't have to see him again.
on a campus of 30,000 people, i should not be able to see every single guy I've ever hooked up with at one party.
No I'm not lying to you. I'm just not telling you the whole story. There's a massive difference.
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