She had a bottle of NAIR in her bathroom, but she clearly hadn't been using it.
I kind of wish I was already fat. So I could eat all I want and not worry about getting fat. Cause I'd already be at that point.
the best days in LIFE are when you realize you arent pregnant
It's going to be nice going to the airport without drugs taped to my balls like last year.
i definitely just woke up with half of a cigarette tucked underneath my balls. Last night must have been interesting
What's a "vodkaffle"?
It's where she puts vodka in the waffle mix.
you started keeping track of only every even numbered drink you had
Uhh, there's a legit bruise on my boob.. Again how does he manage this
I don't even know where to begin....there's queso sauce and public hair stuck to everything
I should start handing out wavers before I have sex with someone. 1. Do you have anything to do tomorrow? 2. Are you ok with sleeping 12 hours from exhaustion. 3. Are you ok with a limp?
I just had sex over my oven then high fived the guy. It's going to be a good year.
My idiot ex texted me on Valentine's day to tell me I was right, he did need a therapist.
I looked into this "it's just lunch" matchmaker thing and it was like 5 grand. If I'm gonna spend five grand I'll throw in another three and get new tits and find my own fucking husband.
Side note: I apologize for sex being the subject of every single one of my texts. That's what happens when you date an older man who constantly denies you sex on the basis of his ridiculous morals.
Two words: nipple clamps
Randomize
