I can't tell whether I'm throwing up blood or licorice.
Do you ever go through someone elses pictures and just appreciate the fact that youre not really friends with them?
My girlfriend and my fuck buddy both started their periods this weekend. The good news is, neither of them are pregnant. The bad news is, I'll have to find someone else to fuck til next weekend. No wait.....that's good news too.
I don't know what's worse....that fact that my dog ate my vibrator or that he later puked it up on my bed
Look what our sorority has done to us...we're hitting on girls in hopes of getting an awesome little.
Oh wait looks like my cousin is getting deported THERE'S HOPE FOR THIS CHRISTMAS YET
I tried to bribe him with road head and his toothbrush.
Is eating fries while lying on the floor bad for you?
If I choke and die at least I will have been doing something I love
You left wolverine marks
I'm somewhere between sorry and proud
My roommate was tripping balls last night, he kept me up all fucking night
Roommate? Please tell me you're not calling your cat your roommate
i repeatedly had to ask him if he was into this because he kept talking about random things while i jerked him off. i got annoyed and in order to annoy him back, i told him i wanted to watch him do it. he also talked about basketball WHILE cumming. NEVER AGAIN.
Judging by the ckaw marks on my back i'm gonna go out on a limb and say that blonde chick was a werewolf. A sexy, kinky werewolf.
Do me a favor and don't mention him I feel like Regina George and I just want to scream I made him
your phone died, so you started bawling in the bar
yeah that sounds like me
I'm still not 100% sure who I'm sleeping with
Randomize
