Tonight i am praying for god to turn my pussy into apple pie because i cant count the number of times bruce chooses food over sex.
I wore my underwear in the shower just in case i passed out and you had to come in and get me
He legit asked if he could come over for a hug. I feel like I've been booty called by a 12 year old.
Apparently you need a permit for a flamethrower.
I feel like butter and tequila would be excellent combination. Right now. Please do this in my name.
I would watch the shit out of some full house right now.
I have a cut on my head from a tambourine.
Just put an ad on Craigslist for a fake groom... I'm sure only non creepy sane people will respond to it
He stopped responding after the animal pictures... I do this EVERY TIME.
I just had the weirdest moment. Made eye contact at the bar with a girl who has seen my vagina.
Why are there jello shots in the kitchen drawer?
so dehydrated I couldn't fill the pee cup to the right line for my drug test for school. I was like sorry it was my birthday yesterday
Don't tell me you're on acid again
my boobs just made me lose a game of beer pong. the balls hit them, bounced off and into the cup. twice. ive never been so disappointed in them.
I just puked on the sidewalk. At 11am. Thought you'd like to know.
Just found out I lit my hair on fire last night.
Randomize
