new low: my hungover self just mistook bacon grease for mashed potatoes. worst. mistake. ever.
Don't make me choose between a good grade and anal
They're giving me a hotel, and this chick doesn't have a place to stay for the night... I swear this is how real life Porno starts.
she literally hasn't taken the mardi gras beads off in three days. she showered in them. TWICE.
no i brought the cat to the bar. I got a weird look when I walked in but now everyone loves her.
I stole another quarter from the bathroom. I'm slowly getting rich drinking here.
Also I'm very proud of th fact that I walked my dog before bed. Drunk dog walking should be an Olympic sport; it takes SKILLS.
Based on the fact my iPad is covered in pizza, I'm going to assume I ate pizza last night
I'm on acid right now in three feet of snow. I NEEEED YOOOOUUUU
Dude. The amount of love and appreciation from a house full of stoners when you come home at 4 am with donuts is overwhelming. The kind of love to make Jesus have to work a little harder at his unconditional love thing.
Yeah. I don't know. I'm just gonna show up at her place on valentines day with a jock strap, box of chocolates, and rose clenched between my ass cheeks with "be mine" written across my glorious man titties.
returning from a 6am booty call in 2 feet of snow on a Tuesday is a bold new kind of low for me
They offered me pot brownies in 7 minutes flat. Imagine my horror when I had to be like, are those gluten free?
Bitch I slept on the ground 2 nights running
She shaved her vagina in my bed. Good night
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