I just woke up and found a naked man on my floor. Looks like Dad had a wild night of strip poker
After she threw up on my floor she started singing "this is why I'm hot."
Don't put random dicks in your mouth or any other crevice for that matter... and i'm home in 30 seconds
Wish I got that text last night instead of this morning.
I know it's not your turn to do the dishes, but since they're covered in your puke, it is.
Trying to figure out if I'm the second dude she hooked up with yesterday. I feel like a consolation prize
He left me a five minute voicemail apologizing for chasing me with a meat beater. I'm actually not sure what that means.
Update... last night a man tried to bite my ear. I think he swallowed my pearl earring.
Plan B, arranged marriage to a rich Indian, is rapidly becoming Plan A. Fuck Finals.
On a better note: I'm on pace for 730 female produced orgasms in 2013.
I left the bar I'm on a bench across from the bowling alley taking a nap please come get me. I've had three lollipops.
Things that happen while I poop: I start dating someone
I just blew thrown up hashbrowns out my nose. That's the level of this hangover.
I just want cinnabon and vodka.
I may be a complete scumbag but even im not willing to spend a grand and sit on a plane for 24 hours just for shrooms and a blowjob
last final went out with a bang.. 20 min late bra-less, cum in my hair and i still cant find my shoes.
Randomize
