Help. Asians are flirting in front of me(773): They speak asian
I'm always impressed by your drunken ability to quickly gauge how long it's been since you've shaved and whether or not your prospective hook up will care.
You're having sex and i just smoked and made oatmeal...i'll give you some time to be jealous
If you dedicate your next bite to me, I'll dedicate my first orgasm to you.
Woke up to a bouquet of flowers in my toilet bowl. Drunk hubby loves me.
yeah, its right past the deli mart where i showed my right tit for mozzarella sticks.
Dude that bathroom stall was not tall enough to be doing lines in, guys kept peeking over and giving us high fives
you want your laptop back?
are you giving me my laptop back, or cashing in on our break up sex?
both.
come over.
Definitely worth waiting her kid to got to sleep when the first thing you hear once she's back is "I want you in my ass right now"
Thankfully US customs doesnt have a checkbox for bringing semen into the country because my hair would still be in CDC quarantine
I was so drunk last night I asked a rando at the bar to take a picture with me cause I thought he was in the band
Next time I pee on a car, I'll text you.
Fuck off. Since when do you love him??
Since he licked my arm to retrieve the macaroni and cheese he dropped. You have to appreciate that
Can't even lie. Mad respect
I miss my bedroom and my bed and being able to spray myself with my choice of 15 different perfumes so I don't have to wake up to the smell of my past sins
Normal people find beers in their gym bag, right?
Too high to wash a dish but just high enough for a kitchen fire
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