id tell you what to do, but my morals dont exactly scream, "Listen to this guy!"
I wish I was that guy from the miller light commercials so I could walk into parties and take peoples beer without getting yelled at
i'm gonna start putting 34DD under other qualifications on my bartender applications and see if that helps
Go to petsmart and tell me if the dog trainer is the guy I slept with friday. Thanks.
We are not turning the camelbak into a beer bong
I found your pet lobster in the bathroom this morning. I went to return it to you but it escaped.
By "met a doctor" I really mean "fucked a pre med student"
Do you think he feels stupid trying to bang girls with his small penis? I'd be embarrassed.
But here's the wonderful thing about us. It's us. You could invite me over, get really wasted and end up sleeping with someone else and id be there in the morning to take you to breakfast.
There's a guy here who is improvising his own shadow dance on a table against the wall, in case you're wondering how my night is going
We need a full length mirror. I just ate it trying to look at my shoes on the toilet. But aside from a arm bruise I'm good to go
fuck Derek. I choose weed. weed isn't angry and would never ask me to be someone I'm not.
For future reference: When the bouncer is approaching you to remove you from his bar, you don't respond by taking off your pants.
But like, I don't remember getting hit with the door... I just come out from peeing and there was blood running down my face.
according to the calendar even that i put in my phone last night, i'm supposed to fuck shit up at 11am today... i really hope i didn't miss something important
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