dude i woke up in a pile of chocolate chips. this has to stop happening
You probably havent been upstairs if you think that the microwave missing its door is bad
Apparently I have a urinal in my bedroom
Where are you? This girl fell on a baby. She is just gone. Please Hurry
I'm hurrying
Dude. She just shit herself.
1. Sorry about making it snow. 2. If it left a mess, I will be over to clean it. 3. Can that fire extinguisher still be used? If not, I'll buy a new one. 4. I just wanted to make it snow!
He asked if I smoke and I said "only fools like you on the basketball court!" Then I started crying. I think I'm about to have my period.
This football player keeps talking about his drunk dad. I think he may start crying. Does this deserve a roll tide?
100% truth: never tied someone to a bed using 4 pairs of sweatpants before
He asked me if I wanted to play "Edouard Mandevan," turns out that's French for Edward Winehands
Vodka?
Forever.
I'd rather be sodomized with a fullly decorated Christmas tree.
Pretty much all i've had today is sugar and orgasms
COCAINE IS GR8
I deleted all traces of him from my phone
even the dick picks he sent you?
no are you nuts? saved that shit to my camera roll
There's nothing like a guy talking about your vagina as if it's delicious food to make your day better.
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