Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more
Is it bad everytime a fat person orders fraps I want to tell them to slow their rolls
How am I a tease?
Dude you flashed me ur vagina and walked away.
ONLY PART OF IT.
Just had perfomance review. I was told the best example of my integrity was when I told my boss I was going to fail the random drug test due to my weekend coke binge. She said that took a lot of character.
I think she must be bulimic. I mean, every time I see her I know i want to throw up.
I know it's not technically the "Mile High Club" but we def need a name for the airport bathroom. Cuz that just happened.
You screamed "I NEED TO GET THE WHOLE SET!" and then proceeded to try touching everyone's balls in the room
I'd have paid money to see Cookie Monster playing with a vibrator
I just ran your car into a ups truck....but on a up note I have a handle of fireball and breakfast burritos
I found her face down on the kitchen floor asking anybody who walked by for Kraft Dinner
I'm eating shredded cheese and chugging coke, until I can function again. I'm tingling everywhere
I just fell and sprained my ankle in the shower. No, I wasn't having sex. I was doing the time warp. Again.
This drink tastes like mosquito repellent.
Fuck you bitch. You're married. You got a live-in dick at home for your needs. I still gotta surf this shitty town's bars for cock
If it's any consolation she turned out to be has a collection of clown dolls she talks to crazy. And the cops knew why I was calling when she key locked the door from inside.
Randomize
