no ping pong balls so we're playing beer pong with an ornament. you can't tell me that's not festive.
Sometimes i look at the biltmore estate and wonder just how small George Vanderbilt's penis was...
He gave me a 420 gift that consisted of a dime bag, a philly cheesestake, and a Pepsi that was still cold. If he ever wants a free bj, I got him.
Honestly, I don't care if the only reason she gave me her beer was because she was bisexual and wanted to touch my vagina. Beer is beer.
NEVERCLEAR, NEVER AGAIN.
She Kept going around and squirting jello shots into guys mouths. That was her ice breaker.
It'll be a Christmas-Fucking-Miracle if we get through the ceremony without a groomsman vomming
Grandma is giving me marriage advice again. On the plus side, she thinks I'm straight now.
From now on I forbid you to refer to it as a "bed". From now on you must only use the phrase "sex wagon".
He's holding a pee stick. Yes it's weird.
I'm so glad I was blacked out while I was going all exorcist in the bathroom. That's so not a memory I want.
I just sang beautiful by Christina Aguilera to a kebab. This is what my life has come to.
I woke up hugging my purse and I found a business card in my underwear. How?
I told her I was going to masterbate myself into a coma... We have another date on Thursday.
She totals her lexus and all she wants is to have crazy wild sex.
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