I woke up at 7am naked in my bathtub with the shower running. My apartment was so full of steam that my ceiling was dripping. Who thought it would be okay for me to get my own place, anyway?
I was so drunk last night i ate cereal with a fork.
My poo smells like dog food. That's how I know it was a good night.
Chinese roommate asked me this a.m when u left if all girls here have multiple boyfriends..
she went to her friend's wedding and caught the bouquet. as the unwilling rebound, can i run away now?
I swear this guy grew up in land without leagues. someone should inform him he's way out of mine
u know how some weekends you just wanna go out and ruin a relationship? this is one of those weekends
You fell on your face and the waitress just brought you a fresh drink
3 things I learned last night: 1.) I'm not as light as I used to be. 2.) Sex on the roof of a convertible is a really bad idea. 3.) The hospital now has super glue pens for sealing minor cuts instead of stitches!
I am going to be so excited tomorrow when I find this box of crayons in my purse
Hey it's Males-You-Probably-Wish-You-Hadnt-Had-Sex-With Monday. MYPWYHHSWM
I was supremely disappointed in the lack of dick and doughnuts in my life last week.
I look at it as community service. He was going through a rough time and I gave him an ego boost. That's how we're going to remember it. I was doing a good deed lol
i just want to die with dignity and clean teeth, is that too much to ask?
remember when we said that thing when we met about how we were each glad we weren’t furries
ok listen,
Randomize
