Plan B is the new Plan A
i had a dream the other night i was titty fucking you while you were asleep, then you woke up and didn't care.
Segways are the fanny packs of transportation. Useful in some situations, but you always look like a tool when using one.
she's doing push ups on the keg. hows a girl supposed to compete with that?
I just chugged a whole pitcher of beer in 1 min. 9 sec. A whole goddamn pitcher.
Just made everyone at my party download the vuvuzela app for iPhone, the neighbors absolutely HATE us
He is going to sleep with me. That's all there is to it. I'm 4 for 4 right now. I'm not making it 4 for 5.
Leave it to us to have a family reunion in a bar bathroom
I've come to realize sober is a rare time of the day.
Just watched my roommate stuff a sandwich in his pocket because we're out of paper plates.
Wow i don't think I've had to send this many texts apologizing for my behavior since high school...
Have you seen that new toaster that burns your pics to toast? Let's drink some booze and discuss what I have I mind.
I apologize in advance for the amount of cleavage I'll be exposing your boyfriend to.
I don't need to marry the guy. I just need some filthy, shameful wish fulfillment sex and then live out the rest of my life on the bean farm.
I seriously just forgot to push down the toaster twice in a row \n\nSo I've been waiting 8 minutes for toaster strudels that I haven't even started... Too high
Randomize
