Last night i stole a disco ball from a frat house by pretending i was pregnant.
Only in this snowstorm did have I realized the lengths I'll go to to get laid.
I was in the shower, he came in, had me give him a blow job, and left. I'm pretty sure I was just booty called. While taking a shower.
some guy had a sword and everyones crying..it turned bad..fast.
There was a staple in my grits at waffle house last night. My knees are bruised as hell. And I puked pink all over my bathroom. Gooood night.
Thank you for calling me on to a higher level of debauchery. fuck anyone who says we aren't good for each other
I'm not about to serve this country to fuckin not have rum and cheezits for breakfast
You know this who 'I show my love by being a total dick' thing is getting old, right?
if i cared i wouldnt have woken you up by pouring a bottle of soy sauce on you.
is that what this stuff is?
I find it ironic...the gays are dying to get married & I just want a fucking divorce
I hat to flip my "days since last bad decision" chart back to zero. So...yeah. Sigh.
Just to be a PITA after I die, my will leaves 1 cent to each of my FB friends. I hate my lawyer.
Cats are difficult to handle. Also they are impossible to baptize.
It's Friday you fucking nerd of course I'm drunk.
My boobs weigh the same amount as 25 pancakes
Randomize
