There's this guy beside me dancing with this girl with no panties on. When I looked at him he said he's babysitting his bestfriend's girlfriend since he can't come out.
What a good friend
My milkshake brings 85 to 90 percent of the boys to the yard
I just saw a midget ride by on a scooter...wearing a bowtie and a helmet. My life is complete.
i just bought plan b at the bus station. happy holidays and welcome to a new level of white trashiness.
one of my coworkers wanted to look something up on YouTube on my tablet. I didn't know how to explain why my most recent search was "girl fucks dog."
And then the templeton police were like "oh I remember her, yeah the blue haired girl that we picked up cause she was passed out drunk on the side of the road"
I don't need a lecture. I'm 41. I know I'm an idiot.
Well I either feel like the fat girl or very accomplished because his bed is now broken in three places
Its 8 in the morning and I wouldn't pass a breathalyzer test, How's your day been?
I'm so baked, I spent the last hour trying to screencapture the cracks on my phone.
dude, last night I won a real sword and a bottle of vodka in a cards against humanity tournament
The stripper was dressed as the green lantern. Even for a geeky girls' bachelorette party it was lame ass.
mcfuck me up
MCFUCK ME UP INSIDE
There's a rash on my genitals that would like a word with you.
A friendship for the ages born on how horny we both are
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