we're taking a shot everytime we receive a "Happy Thanksgiving!!!!!" mass text. up to 7 since 10am. God help us.
I'm bakin' bread in my pussy!
What?
I have a yeast infection.
Well that wasnt the exboyfriend i expected to hook up with today
Turned the water balloon filler into a jungle juice fire extinguisher. Please call me tomorrow afternoon and make sure that i'm still alive.
The jerky fairy visited my fridge. It's glorious.
Last awkward moment of 2011: your ex gf grinding on me in front of her husband.
I just crawled out of bed at 5AM to make her a peanut butter and Nutella sandwich. Somewhere in the distance, I could hear whips cracking.
I also tried to solve my dog's itching problem with crystal healing. I'm so high, dude.
I just rubbed amethyst all over him and kept saying 'no bites.'
We're over by the bouncy castles. I'm the one wearing a baby. Bring Twizzlers.
Best case scenario you died and I melt into poo
Also, there's a guy walking around the kitchen in a shark onzie, and he just asked if we've ever smoked weed with a shark before. I'm dying
In other news, I just sneezed and almost shit myself. What is happening to my life??
In this house, we have but one simple rule: DONT FUCKIN TOUCH MY STUFF OR I'LL CUT YOUR NECK IN UR SLEEP
I text the word "masturbation" so much, all it only takes my iPhone to auto-spell it is for me to type "mas".
We've been here for 9 days, so of course I am high at my in-laws' house.
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