can you have the cops turn on the gps locator on my phone...i just woke up in a Hooters uniform and I have no idea where I am...
Breakfast of vicodin and eggs out of a solo cup at about three in the afternoon on a wednesday...I have my life together
I asked my mother if she peed on that chair, she said "not bad" There is no good level of pee on a chair.
You were rubbing sand all over yourself and everyone else and claiming you were "EXFOLIATING."
The usual, bring face make up, I have a weird gash on my nose, probably from my one night stand
Every grown women needs to pee herself once in her life. It builds character.
Fair enough. Everyone has some guilty pleasures. Yours is yourself
I actually cannot wait for your visit. I miss people who make me look like the virgin mary in comparison.
do you remember showing me a picture of your husbands penis last night?
yea! the mushroom one. i would only show you.
i fell out of the car and didnt spill my drink. come overrrr
truly a win in your book
My goal for the weekend: procure a blowjob using only stern glances, hand gestures, and crudely-drawn stick figures.
The fact that my boss lets me drink on my lunch break makes Mondays much easier.
Not all of us can be into hot dads. Some of us have to have commitment issues and be into musicians.
I think I'm just gonna exercise my lungs and fingers. With bong hits and crochet. BECAUSE I AM A REAPONSIBLE ADULT DAMMIT!!
My mother is currently smoking weed with a dying bee so his last moments aren't miserable. And she wonders why I rescued a grasshopper missing a leg.
Randomize
