my math teacher staples burger king applications to failed tests
I discovered the grieving process is shock, denial, anger...and then something about drinking until you puke on yourself
Became best friends with the hotdog stand creeper outside the bar. Cried and told him my feet hurt too much to walk home then begged him to hire me.
Just climbed to the top of a frozen waterfall! Do you want to do drugs tm night? The two are unrelated.
4 am. She strained the mac and cheese onto her legs. She has no skin.
I knew it was gonna be a rough night when the guys next to us at Relay for Life started shot gunning beers and yelling "This ones for all the hot chicks that went bald because of cancer". It kinda went downhill from there....
If you're wearing dry underwear your day is already better than mine.
I want to name my colorful bowl Batman. Why? I still have yet to figure it out. But I'm calling it Batman.
It takes a special kind of Adderall to make me go to the hardware store, buy paint, and paint tiny polka-dots on all four of my bedroom walls.
Snaps to my Ella Fitzgerald station for such a jazzy walk of shame
Wife and kids came home early...naked passed out covered in chili cheese Fritos dad will haunt them forever.
I need to see you idiots before I go back to school. But we shouldn't snort Crown Royal this time.
I told her I had a small penis. Then replied if Peter Pan won with a dagger then so can I
Only you would consider your best friend fucking your boyfriend to be a sign of everlasting friendship
Guy from the bar last night left his number on my waterbill on the counter, at the bottom he put don't forget I can hook you up at Little Caesars I work their part time.
You sure know how to pick em.
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