it hurts more in the daytime
don't look now, but that cross eyed girl is staring at you... and me.
I walked into cold stone and the guy started preparing a supersized birthday cake remix for "Mrs. Munchies"
Im making the walk of shame with half a box of pizza, its like when youre little and you get a goodie bag leaving the party
Someone in my history class just FB messaged me saying they highly suggest I put my sunglasses on. He is sitting 18 rows in front of me...
the bouncer watched the girl drop her ID, saw me pick it up and say OMG SHE LOOKS LIKE ME, and then let me use it to get into the bar
she fucked me tho cuz it was her cat's birthday. As soon as we were done she just says "ahhh tequila tuesdays"
You don't understand. He was so ginger that he could make red hair a dominant gene. And I refuse to torture my future spawn like that.
the intervention consisted of my aunt taking me to chuck-e-cheezs and telling me that this was my future - either as a mom or as a waitress - unless i stopped fucking around.
did she buy you pizza?
Nothing quite says Coachella like me doing high yoga in the middle of a field by myself
WHO INVENTED HANGOVERS WHERE ARE MY CLOTHES
I feel violated by Miley Cirrus's performance in the VMA's.
Nothing tops off the night like giving emotional and spiritual guidance to a 70 year old transvestite.
I made him cum so hard he couldn't play video games for like an hour. I've never been more proud of myself.
After an orgasm, I always feel the urge to sing A Whole New World from the move Aladdin and I'm not quite sure why.
Randomize
